Thinking a lot about my play in progress, and trying to get into my nineteen-year-old brain; the kernel of the story is inspired by that year. (I had dropped out of NYU, was working at a large used bookstore in New York, and was beginning to seriously explore Judaism for the first time.) Luckily, I’ve been journaling for years, so traveling back to that time is not hard to do….
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I worked overtime at the bookstore today, working on a huge special order that has mobilized the entire staff. These days my muscles always ache. When I crouch, I feel my calves tighten. Today the thought of never returning to school crossed my mind for the first time.
(My face hardened as well today. One of my coworkers noticed my scowl and called me over. What’s up, he asked. I’m tired, I said. I have to tell you something, he said, and a little smile slipped into the corners of my mouth. He started singing, what I heard him singing before: I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you….)
I walked to Kmart to buy another set of purple sheets. The tears were already threatening to fall. Please god, please, I implored. Please, show me something, show me it will be alright. I wandered the aisles, so sterile and white compared to the bookstore. I found no purple sheets. I felt ridiculous as it upset me. My face hardened and hardened. I thought, oh my god, I am going to break down in Kmart. I finally found a set, and felt satisfied and vindicated until I thought: purple sheets are not a sign from God.
