My birthday was a little over a week ago. My roommate asked me, as I lay on our living room couch during my last moments as a 26-year-old, “What will you take with you from last year?”
An appropriate question for a girl who just moved, whose summer has been one of major transitions. I’ve been blessed with a lot of breakthroughs, particularly this spring, and those came first to mind in response to my roommate’s prompt. And, culled further, one lesson stands out.
I am very sensitive to what other people think of me. Too sensitive. In fact, a lot of my identity has been wrapped up in how other people see me: do people think I’m funny? Cute? Interesting? Artsy? Smart? And if not… well, crap.
I’ve broken down crying because someone I loved didn’t see me as a writer. I’ve been addicted to being around certain people because of the way I felt they saw me. I have enthusiastically consumed others’ impressions of me, and—never satisfied—kept seeking out more. Basically, I’ve crowdsourced my sense of self.
It’s like that old chestnut about a tree falling in a forest: if no one is around to affirm a certain trait of mine, does it exist?
Yes. Yes it does. But only if I embody that trait. I cannot wait to see myself reflected in someone else’s eyes. I have to do, create, act. Be. The day I stop relying on how others see me is the day I begin relying on myself.
Which is perfect, really, because I’m the only person who can effect change in my life. (“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” -Mahatma Ghandi)
This is what I will take with me.
Excellent reflection!
Thanks, Becca! Only took me many years to figure out, no big deal.
Julie this is gorgeous.
Shucks, thanks JKJ.
[...] I cannot wait to see myself reflected in someone else’s eyes. I have to do, create, act. Be. The day I stop relying on how others see me is the day I begin relying on myself. – Crowdsourcing My Self [...]
Good thinking, Julie. I agree that there often seems to be so much focus put on ensuring that our actions are seen favorably by others.
I have a bit of a counter perspective. For reasons that I don’t entirely understand myself, I’ve long had an aversion to following the straight and narrow, have purposefully avoided what is popular and cool. As much as I can, I try to do what I want and not worry about how my actions will be seen by others (in truth I’m not nearly as good at this as I’d like to be—I am good in the general sense, but bad when it comes to my actions with people I know better and spend time around on a regular basis, i.e.- direct confrontations).
So, all that said, I’ve felt over time to be a bit of an outcast. Doing what I want and acting the way I want isn’t often received well. Most folks tend not be overly accepting and give me funny looks.
Now, I certainly do have some close friends, but none in the town I live in now. It’s been hard to find close friends over time, and they and I have scattered.
So, is not worrying so much about what people think a good thing? Generally yes. But I think there are some consequences that come along with it as well.
Not surprisingly, there’s pluses and minuses to both approaches. Ain’t that just always the way? Sigh.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments, and a counter perspective (which is always helpful). I think the key is probably moderation… certainly we should worry less about what others think… but it’s not a bad idea to, perhaps, keep others in mind, too. Humans are social creatures.
True enough, Julie. It does seem that in so many things in life, success hinges upon a proper balance of moderation. For best success, that ideal point of moderation is hard to find. However, I think finding a reasonable balance to allow for a fair amount of success isn’t all that hard. One just needs to be open and realistic about the situation and not overly dogmatic.
In the words of one my more favorite movies:
“Now do you believe, Bethany?”
“No, but I have a good idea.”